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Tip 392: Use positive questioning to allay your reservations. |
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When people bring up issues you don't agree with, your questioning can put them on the defensive. However, not to ask the questions and express reservations defeats the purpose of the discussion. To overcome the dilemma, make sure your questioning can be taken only in a positive way. First, demonstrate that you have heard what the other person has said by paraphrasing it, and then lead the person through your confusion or reservations with positive questions: "Jeanine, I understand your position. You want to use contractors because all the projects planned to date call for a specialized expertise that we don't have on board, right? Well, help me understand why your people who have the same degrees as the contractors you've mentioned don't have the expertise. . . . Now, I'm still confused about where we could find the experienced contractors on such short notice. . . . Okay, what would you suggest we do about the up-front payment most will require?" |
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This line of positively worded questions emphasizes your openness to answers while still expressing your issues of concern. If the concerns can't be answered adequately, the owners of the ideas often conclude that they have defeated themselves because they didn't have the answersor a good idea, whichever is the case. |
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Tip 393: Don't invalidate others' feelings. |
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Examples: "Jim, I don't know why you're so punchy about that." "Jennifer, there's no reason to get so defensive." "It'll be okay, Javierreally, it will." To say or imply that people don't have a right to their feelings makes them robots. People do not live by logic alone. |
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Tip 394: Legitimize others' feelings without agreeing. |
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When you present an idea and hear someone's emotional disagreement, you can legitimize that feeling and then move on. Legitimizing is not the same as agreeing with the comment. Example: "Yes, Phil, I can understand how you might be concerned that X would come across hypocritically to your staff." The speaker hasn't agreed with Phil, but has simply expressed a legitimate concern. Phil will appreciate that acknowledgment and usually quit pressing to make that point. |
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