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If you are the partner who wants the divorce, step back and give your partner some time and space to get used to the idea. Pull back on significant legal action for a month or two. |
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Moving Things Forward When Conflict Is High |
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How can you move your situation toward closure when conflict gets out of hand? Follow these six suggestions: |
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1. Get a second opinion from another lawyer. Whichever side of the argument you are on, reality checks are a good thing. A second opinion can be especially useful if the attorney comes well recommended to you, and the issue you are presenting is relatively narrow. (What do you think about my case? is not as good as, Do you think this support proposal is fair considering the facts I've told you?) |
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2. Ask your lawyer if you can have a court conference to resolve some issues. At a conference, both lawyers present their positions to the judge or an assistant and can get a feel for the court's leanings. A few stern words, even if spoken off the record, may move one side or the other. |
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3. If violence is not an issue, consider meeting your spouse without lawyers present (a public place is best) to find out whether the two of you can agree on anything. Maybe your lawyers' egos have gotten in the way, and the two of you can work out more than you imagined. |
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4. Ask a mutually respected family member, clergy member, or friend to help. If there is a family member you both respect, maybe he or she can step in to try to broker a deal. This only helps if you both trust the person. One case dragged on for two years, until the parties' accountant stepped in at the lawyers' request and explained his idea of a fair deal. He ended up settling the case. If you go this route, be sure that you have first consulted with an attorney so you are aware of all of your rights. |
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5. Avoid well-meaning friends, especially those who do not have actual divorce experience. Most friends, however well-meaning, will tell you about cases where the wife took the husband to the cleaners, or the husband got away with murder. Usually big chunks of the story are missing, but you leave the conversation feeling as though you're being cheated. Avoid comparing your case to a fictitious or real case. You probably do not have all the facts and even if you do, those facts are not your facts. |
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6. Make a realistic assessment of whether you can afford to litigate over the issues causing all the conflict. Are the issues you're fighting over worth borrowing thousands more dollars to pay your lawyer? If the answer is No, don't let pride get in the way of retreat. |
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