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Of course, Harriet was shocked. Despite the fact that she was dissatisfied with her relationship with Bill, she had grown used to the same old arguments they had about the sharing of responsibilities around the house, Bill's watching too much TV, and their lack of communication. Yet the thought of his moving outto marry someone else!made her heart race with anxiety. |
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A few weeks later, Bill decided it was time to work out the details of the divorce. He said he wanted joint custody of the children. The thought of giving up his role as decision-maker was too much to bear. Needless to say, Harriet, who had lost her husband to a younger woman and never wanted to speak to him again, could not imagine ever being able to sit down with Bill and make a mutual decision regarding the children. |
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In this situation, Harriet was probably right. As long as the animosity between Harriet and Bill was so great, it would not be possible to come to an agreement, and decisions do have to be made. If Harriet's and Bill's situation was like most other divorced parents whose conflict is ongoing, joint custody would result in more fighting and perennial visits to court. |
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The Least You Need to Know |
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Custody is not ownership. No one can own your children. Both parents will always be parents, and the relationship with their children is completely under their own control. |
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Joint custody, where both parents share in the decision-making necessary in the children's lives, has been shown to be feasible only with parents who are cooperative with each other and live in close proximity. When joint custody works, each parent may feel more involved in their children's lives. |
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Sole custody, where one parent makes all the decisions, and the children live primarily with that parent with liberal visitation with the other parent, has been traditionally recommended. Even with a sole custody arrangement, both parents can be very involved in their children's lives. It's up to the parents to put in the time and effort. |
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The primary residence should be with the parent who has up until the divorce been the primary caretaker of the children. |
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Mothers who choose not to be the custodial parent are usually not abandoning their children. They recognize their own personal limitations and need for growth. |
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In high-conflict divorce, sole custody is the only workable arrangement because it reduces the need to go back to court to make decisions on behalf of the children. |
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