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response to the provocation. In such incidents, we can be sure the immediate act was not the whole of the situation. Words and feelings always have a context. A friend says to you: "There are so many rumors going around in my company that you never know from one day to the next if we're going to be merged, acquired, or just laid off. I'm not sure whether I'd be canned or not. So I can't decide about buying that house. We'd have to do some remodeling, for sure. The mortgage payments really will stretch us, and if Jill decides to switch careers, that'll affect our cash flow severely. I'm totally puzzled about the next step." |
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With this comment, you have a broad context to understand the whole situation: the rumors at work, the spouse's job uncertainty, the remodeling necessary. But what if the friend said only: "I can't decide about buying that house. We'd have to do some remodeling"? You might respond by talking about the pros and cons of the housethe location, the down payment, the interest rate, the condition of the inside. And you'd be way off base about the total meaning. |
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Words do not mean much outside the context of someone's experience and situation. Probe for the context so you can listen adequately and respond appropriately. |
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Tip 438: Listen for what is not said. |
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Why did the talker decide not to tell you a particular fact? Why did the boss not mention delay on the related projects? Why did the customer not mention volume discounts when he or she always buys on price? What's not said can be as revealingand as importantas what appears in the headlines. |
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Tip 439: Paraphrase; Don't parrot. |
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Reflective listening has been misunderstood. When psychologists first introduced the concept, many people understood it to mean simply repeating to the talker what he or she said, as if it were an attempt to prove you heard. The purpose was lost. The idea of paraphrasing is to show talkers that you fully understand their meaningsnot just hear their words. |
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The difference is enormous. By paraphrasing their views, you give talkers a chance to reflect on what they've just said, to make sure that's what they mean, maybe even to change what they think or feel after hearing it again. |
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Here are paraphrasing responses: "If I understand you correctly, you're saying . . ." "You really mean that . . ." "As you see it, . . ." "From your perspective, . . ." "Let me see if I get where you're coming from on thatyou think that . . .'' "What I hear you saying is . . ." "Am I hearing this right? You think . . ." "So to sum up then, you feel . . ." |
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