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An Example of Reflective Listening/Paraphrasing |
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DAVID: I've told Angie a thousand times to get first-class letters out the same day that somebody in this department writes them. And the summaries I've given her to do are inaccurate again. I asked her for the raw numbers and she spent two hours averaging them all. Then she doesn't know why she's got so much to do. Complains that she can't get everything done! |
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JUAN: So you feel pretty exasperated with her performance, right? It's putting the whole department in a bind? |
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DAVID: That's an understatement. We have invoices that don't go out. We have customer letters that don't go out. We've had to spend money on temporaries twice this week because she's so far behind. |
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JUAN: You think that if Angie would follow instructions better you wouldn't have had to hire temporary help? |
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DAVID: Well, I'm not saying that exactly. I don't know whether we do or don't need to hire anyone else. I can't tell if the job really is too much for one person or if Angie just can't handle it. If she followed instructions better and at least did things right, then I'd have a better handle on the real workload. |
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JUAN: You'd then know how much of the problem was due to rework caused by Angie and how much of the problem was that there's just too much to do. |
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DAVID: Exactly. |
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JUAN: So at this point, I guess you're feeling a lot of pressure from the customers who don't get answers or invoices and the rest of the guys around here that are complaining to you about Angie. And if Angie's complaining that she's overworked, you've got everybody unhappy. |
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DAVID: No, I don't think Angie really feels overworked. She just says that. I think she realizes that she's not performing up to standard. The workload issue is just an excuse. |
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You get the idea. Juan has paraphrased on three levels: the words, the feelings, and the implied words and feelings. Of course, paraphrasing is not called for on all occasions. Here are occasions that do call for such in-depth listening: When you or the other person experiences strong feelings and wants to talk things over. When you or someone else has a conflict to resolve. When someone needs new ideas or wants feedback on ideas. When you're inclined to disagree with or ignore what someone wants you to accept. |
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All conversations are not created equal. Be choosy about which ones require this effort. Then give those important conversations all you've got. Paraphrasing helps the talker feel understood, think openly, hear and verify what he or she is really feeling and thinking, and reflect on what to do next. Paraphrasing electrifies both people involved. |
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