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Tip 445: Take off-the-subject comments as the subject. |
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In the middle of conversation, when someone makes a remark that seems off the topic at hand, that comment is irrelevant. But that irrelevancy often provides a big clue about what's really on the person's mind. Consider dropping the topic at hand and taking up the new subject. You'll help the other person get the pressing problem "finished." |
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Tip 446: Overlook "Trigger" words to get to the real message. |
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When you hear emotional words, derogatory words, profanity, or politically motivated words, try to get past them to the real message: "bureaucrat," "lazy," "windbag," "hustler," ''unfair," "gross negligence," and so forth. If you get hung up on the speaker's word choice, you may miss the primary message. Hear the person out. Then you can always go back and correct the word choice mentally. |
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Tip 447: Recognize "Stoppers" before you deliver them. |
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When someone starts a serious conversation with you, your reaction will either encourage that person to keep talking or stop him or her cold. Stoppers: ordering, commanding, threatening, moralizing, advising, lecturing, criticizing, blaming, shaming, diagnosing, interrogating. If you doubt these tones and words will stop a conversation, recall the last 10 unpleasant ones you've had. |
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Tip 448: Avoid me-too interceptions. |
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"I don't know what I'm going to have to do with my teenager; he's totally irresponsible when it comes to money." Response: "Oh, do I ever identify with that! I've mentioned that my oldest is a junior at the university. Out in an apartment on his own. Well, the other day he calls me up and says . . ." Before you know it, the situation has been reversed. The person who introduced the subject and wanted to express his frustration is now the listener for the other person's saga. |
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Yes, empathetic listening means that we share common experiences, but the key is timing. The first talker was cut off before being able to tell about his situation and fully express his frustration. Don't intercept the conversational ball. |
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