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Having someone listen gives us an acceptable reason to talk to ourselves out loud. And talking about the problem as if you are explaining it to another person clarifies details, identifies issues, and raises possible solutions. |
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On such occasions, help others think aloud by asking "what if" questions. It's not that you have the answersthey do. Your helpfulness comes in listening to them and then helping them reflect or think differently about what they've said. |
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Tip 443: Respond to the feelings, then the factsnot the reverse. |
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"Calm down, calm down. Tell me what happened." Although it's a typical response, that's not the best approach when someone is angry, frightened, or frustrated. Uncork the emotion first, then ask for the facts. Customer-service reps understand the concept in dealing with irate customers, parents understand the concept in settling sibling battles, and ambassadors understand the concept at the negotiating table. |
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Disregarding this concept can cost a sale or a customer. For example, a hotel guest calls down to the front desk and says, "There's a husband and wife next door having a knock-down, drag-out fight. They're yelling and screaming. Would you see what you can do about it? I'm trying to get some sleep." The desk clerk says, "We can move you to another room, if you prefer." |
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Wrong move. That's an obvious solution. But the hotel clerk would have done better to respond to the feeling, "It's late, and I'm sure that's very disturbing. We'll call their room and take care of it." The "solution" response presumes a superior position, as if the other hotel guest hadn't thought of moving to another room. Not only does the response sound unfeeling, it sounds like a put-down. |
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Questions, comments, explanations, and observations come a lot easier and clearer after, not before, the emotional release. |
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Tip 444: Be careful about attaching any labels to what you hear. |
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People may experience the same situation and use different words to describe it. What one listener calls "worry" another calls "concern." What one calls "petulant" another calls ''feisty." What one labels "angry" another calls "afraid." "Shyness" can be mistaken for "aloofness." Once you've labeled the feeling expressed to you, you tend to direct all else under that umbrella. Be sure the labels don't take you off track. |
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