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"What" questions focus on someone's values, intentions, and results. Yes, a "why" question may lead to insight and understanding that both of you need, but more often than not, it leads to a defensive discussion of motives. Ask yourself why you want someone to blame. Will you handle the situation differently if you can place the blame on a person? If not, asking "why" is often fruitless. Instead, ask something like: "What happened?'' This question removes personalities and fault. You may or may not agree with the motives, but in any case, with "why" questions, you'll almost always be off track in changing the observable behavior. |
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Tip 599: Use "I Need/Want/Expect" phrasing when possible. |
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Thomas Gordon of the Parent Effectiveness Training program first suggested these three steps: (1) Say clearly how you feel, what you want, or what you expect. (2) Describe the observable problem or behavior. (3) Explain the consequences or results of the behavior. |
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Here's an example: (1) "I feel rushed when in a one-week period I'm given four or five proposals to which I'm supposed to plan graphics. (2) When I have to 'beef up' that many documents, I find myself just grabbing graphics from the clip art and not really giving the concepts much thought. (3) Then the proposals go out to our clients half-baked. They're just not up to the standards we've set." With this three-part statement, the focus is on the action and consequences rather than on who's doing what. |
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Not: "You need to be doing these faster." But: "I need these proposals done faster." |
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Not: "You should make appointments ahead of time with the clients rather than cold-calling." But: "I expect our service people to make appointments ahead of time with clients because our clients can't set their work schedules around us when we just cold-call them to do routine maintenance. As a result of our people not making definite service appointments, we've lost two accounts this month." |
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Phrasing determines the difference in many reactions. |
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Tip 600: Don't compare people. |
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Adults in the workplace hate comparisons as much as siblings do. If you supervise others, compare their behavior against your expectations. Or compare against a person's own stated goals. Or compare against the stan- |
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