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Tip 595: Focus on observable behavior, not on conclusions about that behavior. |
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Discuss what you saw or heard before you label that talk or action. After you voice your observations, the person criticized can verify that your observations are correct. Then, after that verification, you can label the behavior as "right," "wrong," "rude," "incompetent," ''in poor taste," or "offensive." And even after you label that behavior, express such labels as your opinions, not facts. Those labels often lead the other person to explain intentions and "compare feelings" or "conclusions" with you. |
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Try wording like this: "I can appreciate why you felt it necessary to do X; but here's what I expected" or "I can understand your reasons; my reasons are different" or "I agree with some of what you said, and I still have concerns about Y," or "That's true; here's another ramification of that action, however." |
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In other words, in a meeting of the minds, state the criticism as flexible, under consideration, and subjective. The result is a more amiable, constructive dialogue rather than a conflict of emotions. |
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Tip 596: Don't turn comments about work problems into major character flaws. |
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If you're talking to people with low self-esteem, they themselves have a way of taking even the slightest correction of their work into poor pity-pitter-pat. "Rosalinda, you've missed several meetings, and I'm concerned that you're not going to be up to date enough on these projects to anticipate our staffing and equipment needs. One week you're 'up' and with us and excited, and the next week, you seem preoccupied." Rosalinda's response: "So you're trying to tell me I'm manic-depressive? Or that I intentionally sabotage your projects because I'm envious of your authorityis that what you're really implying? You may be right." |
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Don't let that happen. Tell others to discuss any such personal issues with their analyst at $200 an hour, and instead stay focused on the work problem. |
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Tip 597: Bring the criticism "Forward." |
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Don't talk about what people did in the past; instead highlight what they are doing. The difference is enormous. What someone did in the past sounds irrevocable, unchangeable, damning. What someone is doing emphasizes transience rather than permanence; if he can change or improve it, there's a hopeful attitude. Yes, of course, you have to mention past behavior, but link that behavior into the big-picture trait, habit, or process that can be changed. |
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