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Tip 816: Point out where you believe both have miscommunicated in the past. |
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You may decide to call both people together at this point, if you've not already done so. After all your searching and probing into the problem, share your conclusions. Be straightforward and honest. Point out invalid assumptions, conversations with double meanings, and perceived intentions, along with your judgments and labels on those intentions. This will be the toughest part of your task as mediator. |
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Tip 817: Ask both people to reverse roles. |
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If you're not sure both people fully understand and appreciate the viewpoints and feelings of the other, lead them to reverse roles. Paint the picture for them from the other person's point of view and ask them to explain how they would feel in a similar situation. If they "don't get it," you may actually ask them to role-play the events with you. Repeat earlier conversations of the conflict and ask the other person to respond in the opposition's shoes. At the least, ask each person to paraphrase to you how he or she thinks the other views things and how he or she feels about those events or circumstances. |
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Tip 818: Advocate "No-Fault" resolution. |
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When a third party is involved, such as yourself, the people in conflict have an added investment in maintaining their self-esteem. It's bad enough to admit error or fault to one person; it's doubly difficult to admit it to two people. Therefore, take every precaution to downplay any effort to affix blame. |
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Say it loudly, clearly, and frequently: "Conflict is inevitable. No one has to be at fault. Conflict just is. Let's focus on working things out." And then make sure your phrasing supports that premise. Avoid questions like "Then what caused/made you think that . . ." "So you were only responding to her comment about . . .'' "So if John hadn't done X, then Mary wouldn't have done Y." Forget cause and effect for purposes of mediation. |
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Tip 819: Summarize the needs and goals of both. |
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This step is particularly important if the mediation has taken several days or even weeks. Make sure both people know without a doubt what both of them want out of the situation or relationship. |
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