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Nevertheless, differences remain in the conversational styles of men and women. In addition to my own research, these differences have also been investigated and reported by Drs. Robin Lakoff, Lillian Glass, John Gray, and Deborah Tannen, to name the most noteworthy researchers. As you read the following tips, keep in mind that all differences in conversation are a matter of degree and that all differences may not exist in all men or all women. We are first individuals, of course, with our own idiosyncrasies and ways of conversing. This chapter presents tendencies, not taboos or universal truths. |
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As females grow up in our culture, they are taught not to be confrontationalnot to make a scene or be aggressive or pushy. So how do they express opposition to an idea? Often they use indirect channels such as questions. They, of course, also use questions in the traditional wayto solicit information to make people rethink their positions, plans, or ideas. |
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Men, on the other hand, do not always recognize indirect messages or pick up on nuances in words or body language. In short, they don't always accurately "read between the lines" to understand a woman's meaning or question. The results: (1) Women ask questions meant as indirect objections, and men seem to ignore their objections and feelings. (2) Women ask questions meant only to solicit information to which men react defensively. |
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Tip 896 (for women): State objections directly. |
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Not: "Do you really think we should leave early?" |
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But: "I don't think we should leave early." |
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Not: "How much higher did you say Vendor A's bid is?" |
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But: "I think Vendor A's bid is too high." |
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Tip 897 (for men): Verify whether questions are solicitations for information or objections; Then respond appropriately. |
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If you're not sure how to take a question, probe before answering. Here's an example: |
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WOMAN: Have you already signed the contract for the computers? |
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MAN: Not yet. I'll get to it later in the week. |
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