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We've seen some pretty strange relationships develop in our journey though the outback of divorce. Sometimes, the ex-spouse can, for a time, end up closer to the ex's family than the blood relation him- or herself. But take it from us, 99 percent of the time, things self-correct. It's very difficult, and very unusual, to maintain the same kind of connection to in-laws that you had before. Eventually, the ties loosen; the relationship becomes more distant and casual, and even, more businesslike. You go on to celebrate your holidays somewhere else, and even if these people were closer to you than any other group on Earth, they will soon take on a different, less ubiquitous, role in your life. |
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When married couples talk about their friends, the phrase, yours, mine, and ours applies. There are, after all, the friends each of you had before you knew each other, and then, the friends you share. |
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In the event of divorce, it's virtually a given that your old college buds will flock to your side, while your wife's friends from the old neighborhood will rally behind her. But even friends you made mutually, after you were a couple, may find it difficult to befriend you both. |
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Kirk had always been something of a lonerserious, inhibited, intense. When he met Maura, however, it was as if he'd been transported by carriage to the ball. A former nightclub singer who was ebullient, effervescent, enthusiastic, Maura naturally attracted people and had a large circle of friends. With Maura, Kirk made the rounds of parties and barbecues and regularly attended dinners and theatrical events. When they had a child, Maura and Kirk were at the center of a close group of friendsall residents of a modest L.A. subdivision, all parents involved in the endeavor of raising their kids. Within this close group, Kirk lost some of his inhibitions and became known for the warm, generous man he was. |
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It's understandable, of course, that for Kirk, the divorce, when it came, hit particularly hard. |
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Though his inner circle professed fondness for him, Maura had held the group together, and Maura maintained the friends. |
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Ultimately, Maura herself grew apart from the parent group she had gravitated to when her marriage and her child were very young. Just as she had felt the need to embark on a new life with respect to her marriage, she felt a similar impulse toward her friends. Like Kirk, she found that without the construct of her marriage, friendships founded on the existence of that relationship were simply not the same. |
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