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relationship. Your spouse may feel not just hurt and angry, but also shocked, when you announce the news. |
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In truth, it's impossible for you to shield your partner from pain if you are rejecting him or her. It's going to hurtespecially if you are forthright and direct in your communication. And yet, as you help your partner face this final stage of your relationship, the most important gift you can give is that of honesty. |
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You owe that much to someone you have married but now want to cast aside. Again and again, divorce psychologists confide, the lament they hear most is this: I want one adequate explanation. I never knew what went wrong. One of our friends was devastated when, during her last year of medical residency, her husband, a wealthy surgeon, left for someone else without explaining, even briefly, what went wrong. The couple became involved in a protracted court battle regarding finances and issues of child custody. As trial date after trial date was postponed, issues of spousal maintenance and child support, division of property, and a permanent custody decision were put on hold. In all that time, the ex-husband (by now remarried with a new family) refused to tell his former wife why he'd left her, for fear it would weaken his case. But here's a tip: This woman would have traded untold thousands of dollars for a simple explanation. I'll tell you after the case is closed, her former spouse often promised during their infrequent moments of civility. If only that moment had arrived. |
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After you have provided your spouse with an honest explanation of what went wrong, expect powerful emotions ranging from sadness to anger to fear. Remember, the divorce may sadden you, too, but you have had time to get used to the idea. Your partner has not. You will have to give some time and some leeway for your spouse to catch up. |
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Bearing the Brunt of the Pain |
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If you are on the receiving end of the divorce announcement, on the other hand, you may find yourself reeling with disbelief, pain, and, after the shock wears off, anger. You must remember that these feelings are entirely normal. Indeed, the grief one feels at divorce is in some ways comparable to the grief experienced when a beloved spouse dies. According to psychologist Mitchell Baris, the grief is experienced in phases. |
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Initially, he explains, You go through a phase of sadness, anger, and heightened feelings of rejection. There may be very different rates of acceptance for one partner than for another, Baris states. |
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But eventually, even the rejected individual will come to see separation and divorce in a more positive light. The divorce decision, often pushed by one member of the pair, becomes mutual. |
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