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wrongs haunt both of you, coloring your interpretation of the present; and perhaps most damaging, one or both of you have engaged in an extramarital affair. |
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Despite such problems, couples can and do put their marriages back together, though only through extremely hard work. That work must be done by both members of the couple, or it will be doomed from the start. Generally, the best approach is finding amarriage counselor to help you through. |
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You would have to be living on Pluto not to grasp one basic truth about therapists: They come in as many styles as this year's wall calendar. The question is, what should you look for in a marriage counselor? What kind of therapist is right for you? |
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Some of the best advice we've heard comes from Dr. Mitchell Baris, who works with the divorced and the divorcing every day. Couples should look for someone who can help them restructure their communication and react to their partner in terms of the real situation, not ghosts of the past, Baris advises. |
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Some counselors look into the couples' deep pastthey help them go over their own childhood experiences, their early family dynamic. Couples might explore the impact their past had on their marital choice, and on the negative (and positive) patterns they carry into their marriage through the present day. |
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Although different marriage counselors emphasize different strategies, we have seen the highest levels of success among those who focus on conflict resolution. When one spouse gets excited or angry, the ideal strategy for the other is to try to defuse the anger by soothing his or her partner. Picking up the cudgel and doing battleor worse yet, dredging up the pastwill only fuel the fires of conflict and weaken the relationship already on its last legs. |
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Couples in trouble may also benefit from lessons in fair fighting. In this technique, each partner listens to the other without being vicious or defensiveor striking back with hurtful insults or references to the past. One well-known doctor, who pioneered the technique of restructuring couples so that they can fight fairly, has this amusing approach: He literally keeps a piece of linoleum in his office and hands it to one member of the couple at a time. Here, you hold the floor, he says to the person holding the linoleum. The other person cannot speak until the linoleum, in turn, is handed over. The lesson for couples here: Learn how to hear the other one through, and do not interrupt, especially to escalate the conflict. |
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How can you find an appropriatetherapist? The best way, our experts tell us, is to get referrals from satisfied friends. Do make sure, of course, that the individual you select specializes in couples and relationships work, and that he or she is well-regarded by other professionals. Make sure that whomever you choose simply feels right. Is there a rapport among all three of you? Can you communicate easily with the therapist? |
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