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A boss says to a subordinate: "I simply can't approve that transfer for you. It's not in your best interest in the long run." The subordinate may reject the seemingly "caring" statement and instead get the meta-message that he is a child in need of protection for his own good. |
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We deal with some meta-messages every day and recognize them as such: You say to a good friend who tosses out a ridiculous idea: "You idiotthat's off the wall." With your big smile and strong relationship, he knows you really mean, "Thanks for the laugh." We understand such. With other meta-messages, we walk away from a conversation feeling disappointed or "zapped" but don't understand why. |
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With any meta-message, a response to only the words is insufficient. If an argument or discussion follows, it will most certainly be off the subject. Listen and respond to the meta-message; that's where the action is. |
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Tip 35: Don't hide behind your words to avoid hearing the message. |
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Because meaning comes from relationships, timing, circumstances, and intentions, words play only a small partbut they serve as an excuse if you want to pretend not to understand the message. |
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HUSBAND: (To wife at convention.) When are you coming home? |
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WIFE: Probably sometime Saturday. (Pretending not to understand his tone that says, "I think you're staying longer than necessary," she simply answers the question.) |
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You can't often get away with hiding behind the words. Conversational meaning is bigger than the words we say. |
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Tip 36: Match your tone to your intentions. |
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Different linguists and psychologists have provided a variety of labels to describe habitual styles/tones of communicating: |
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Accusing/blaming. "It's your fault we missed that deadline." "Don't ask me why we didn't hire more people to start withI knew better." "Well, I was only reacting to what you said earlier about not having sufficient budget." |
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Appeasing/placating. "Please, let's just forget it. It doesn't really matter" "Would you please consider changing the deadline?" "Just tell me what you want me to do now and I'll get on it." |
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Computing/disassociating. "The deadline is August 1." "Two people cannot get the job done." (There are no personal references, no feelings, no emotion.) |
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