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forward call for information from a person who is surprised that you missed the meeting and knows you must have a reasonable explanation. On the other hand, "Why did you miss the meeting?" can be a blaming statement meaning "You shouldn't have missed the meetingwhat do you have to say for yourself?" |
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Most people resist why questions that evaluate and judge reasons, motives, and intentions. |
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Tip 501: Avoid trapping people with questions. |
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A father comes home from the office and asks, "Johnny, how many times have I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway?" Does the father want a number? Hardly. His point is clearly that Johnny should have the message by now. We've watched too many court trials in the movies not to feel the rush of adrenalin when the prosecutor is moving in for the kill. With the unwary witness on the stand, the lawyer lays the groundwork with "innocent" questions to which the witness gives false answers. Then the prosecutor comes through with the real zinger question and the witness realizes he or she has been caught in the lies. |
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In the office, such questions sound like this: "Have I not made it clear that these expense reports are due on the fifth of the month?" "Did you miss the staff meeting where we discussed that issue?" "Did you not know that the customer expected to have this merchandise arrive undamaged?" "Don't you feel any concern at all for the outcome?" "You do want to make the sale, don't you?'' The question is meant either to entrap the person or make the person feel foolish however he or she answers. Give people freedom to express disagreement or to refuse to take the either-or choice. |
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On occasion, you do already have the answer to a question and need to ask others to verify that you're correct. If that's the case, tell them what you're doing so they won't feel trapped with game-playing. For example: "Susan, why don't you tell me what happened out on the dock when the truck pulled up to unload. I already have a couple of witnesses who have told me what they saw, but I'd like your perspective on the incident." |
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Tip 502: Avoid questions that accuse. |
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"What did you think would happen if you let this situation rock along without notifying me?" accuses the listener of ulterior motivesor stupidity. Other accusing questions: "Why did you not write a letter to begin with?" "How do you know that's true?" "When did you expect to verify the client's order?" "How did you think we could process that many orders in one day?" "Who did you think was going to pay for that kind-of promise to the cus- |
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