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Tip 775: Identify who is playing defense. |
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Tone and inflection in the English language can be subtle, yet pack a walloping difference. Take these examples: "What proof do you have?" can be a straightforward request for more explanation or a challenge, meaning you're making unfounded allegations. "I don't know what you're talking about" can mean "That's nonsense" or ''I'm puzzled." "Earlier you said X . . . ; now you're saying Y" can mean "I think you're lying" or can mean "I'm confused; please sort out the seeming contradiction so I can follow." |
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Such lines can escalate a conversation into arguments that go like this: |
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"Why did you get so upset? All I said was blah, blah, blah." |
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"Yes, but what you meant was really blah, blah, blah." |
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"No, I didn't. All I said was blah, blah, blah." |
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Somebody is hiding behind the words as if the tone didn't matter. Tone, mood, and attitude all convey meaning. |
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The difficulty is deciding who is being defensive. Who is "reading into" the conversation. If you're the one on the defensive, you're likely to hear double meanings in straightforward requests and statements. If the other person is on the defensive, he or she will let the defensive tone creep in and then deny it when challenged. |
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Instead of sorting out the problem by starting with the words, start with the attitude. Decide who has the defensive attitude, and then determine the meaning of the words. It's a remarkably reliable system. |
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Tip 776: Avoid others' vulnerabilities. |
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We all have sore spots. Ask yourself where you feel the most insecure, where you see a weakness in yourself, what track record you want to keep hidden from the world. Those are the bruises that you want others to stay away from. Others have them too, and punching those sore spots unleashes emotions that can prevent resolution altogether. Examples: "George, I think this is just another example of where that college degree you didn't finish would have helped you out." "Karen, you're reacting like a JAP again. You may be your daddy's Jewish American Princess, but in the office you've got to stand in line just like everybody else." With one of those comments, you'll be dealing with explosives from the past as well as those from the future. |
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Tip 777: Discard the old chant, "Sticks and Stones . . ." |
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Since children, we've heard the axiom, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Our parents taught us the chant as a |
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