defense mechanism for use when some neighborhood bully overpowered us with words. It might have worked as children, but not as adults. Words do damage relationships forever. The most painful memories many of us have involve what someone said to us. "I lost control" is no excuse. The tongue as a weapon can destroy a reputation, a career, or a person.
Tip 778: Prefer statements to questions during conflict.
By the time you decide to discuss a conflict openly, trust has usually fallen and tensions have risen. Questions will be suspect from either side. Why? Because most will contain accusations. "Why did you not tell me you wanted these by Friday?" "How did you think we could spend that kind of money on this engineering project?" Granted, they may be informational questionsbut they won't sound like it when there's tension and resentment in the air.
Prefer to make statements about what you feel or think. "I would have appreciated advance notice that these items were needed by Friday." Or: "I think we can get this project done on a lot smaller budget." Ask questions only when you really are trying to gather information: "Is the deadline Thursday or Friday?'' "Do you know if we have budget to use outside help?"
A statement usually generates a responseeither agreement or disagreement. An accusing question usually generates an argument.
Tip 779: Use the three Ds to structure your resolution.
Describe. Discuss. Decide. Describe what's happening. Discuss the feelings or other ramifications of what's happening. Decide what to do about it.
Describe: "Letters are going out of this department with typos and grammatical errors."
Discuss: "As a result, our communication is creating a poor impression with our clients. If we're careless with our writing, clients may think we're careless with our analysis of their needs. Some of the grammatical errors even lead to clarity problems. It's embarrassing to me when a customer calls to point out careless errors like our misspelling a name."
Decide: "I think we need to make it a rule that at least two people proofread everything that goes outside the company. Do you have other or better suggestions?"
Describe. Discuss. Decide. That format focuses on the issues and a resolution without allowing room for sidetracking.
