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Tip 780: Use Thomas Gordon's formula: "When You . . . , I Feel . . . , Because . . ." |
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Thomas Gordon, writing back in the late 1970s, introduced the concept of sending "I" messages. Example: "I feel angry when you forget to call when you're going to be late because I worry and can't get to sleep." He set up this formula: |
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"When you X, I feel Y, because Z." |
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This pattern includes all the variablesreal and verifiable. X has to be an observable behavior. Y has to be a feeling, not an opinion. Z has to be an observable consequence. |
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Here's an improperly phrased statement that will bring argument: "When you act like some prima donna, I feel you don't care whether this company turns a profit or not because you get your commission no matter what the profit margin on what you told the customer we'd do." Such a comment won't work. "Acting like a prima donna" is a subjective statement. "I feel you don't care . . ." is an opinion, not a real feeling. |
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Here's the same sentiment expressed in a way that both parties can deal with: "When you fail to ask me about special discounts you want to offer your customers, I feel angry because we lose money on anything sold more than 20 percent below the retail price." That's a specific behavior, a true feeling, and verifiable consequence. |
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Example: "When you bring up my mistakes during a staff meeting, other people begin to blame me for things I have no control over. I feel helpless to defend myself or explain. As a result, they disregard my authority on the shop floor." |
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Example: "When you miss your deadline with the numbers on Friday, I can't close out my books and forward the final reports to Denver. And when they don't get the report by Monday morning, they can't issue checks to our suppliers, who add an interest charge on late payments. I feel really angry that I get grief from the Denver people for a delay caused by you." |
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Such a structure (1) describes the action, not labels it, (2) lets the other person know the consequences of the action, and (3) brings the related emotion out in the open. The resulting discussion will most likely, then, focus on the issue rather than personalities. |
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Tip 781: Describe; Don't label. |
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People can respond to statements like "Your status reports are missing key information." They can't respond to "You're evasive." Descriptive: "You have taken off three Mondays in a row during a crucial project." Labeling: "You are lazy and inconsiderate of your coworkers." Specific information can be verified or refuted; labels and value judgments cannot. |
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