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Tip 782: Don't use the Phrases "You'll Have to . . . ," "You Must . . . ," "You Should . . . ," or "You Ought to . . ." |
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People don't like to be told they must do anything. Think how perturbed you become when you hear one of these: "You'll have to check out at the next register." "You'll have to complete the XYZ form." "You'll have to get approval from Joe." "You'll have to move that." Try instead, "Would you please. . . .'' |
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The same is true of must, ought to, should. Delete them from your conflict discussions. |
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Tip 783: Offer the other person face-saving comments. |
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Examples: "Your mistake is understandable. The map is confusing. Several people have gotten lost at that point." "The details are complex. Most people don't realize how overwhelming so much information can be to sort through. I think you've made excellent progress so far." "Well, I can understand how you'd be upset. It's irritating when people don't let you know what's going on." If you expect the other person to take your side and come to agreement, make it easy on his or her pride. |
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Tip 784: Let the other person exercise options. |
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People must maintain some sense of power. That power may come from a strong self-esteem, from the freedom of choice about how and when a job gets done, from control over the success or failure of a project, from freedom to interact or not interact with others. Be cautious of taking away all the other person's choices. Otherwise, people will figure out a way to sabotage your project or will end the relationship altogether. Provide others opportunities to choose and control. |
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Sarcasm humiliates people. "Thanks a lot. That was a big helpto have these figures two days after the report has been turned in." "Next time I'm having a problem, I'll be sure to callif I want to be chewed out." "I appreciate your ordering lunch for me while I was in the meeting. My wife makes all the decisions at home; why shouldn't you take over the responsibility here?" Nasty no-nos. |
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