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yesterday. Just as I was about to leave I noticed that you had a leak from some busted plumbing. The spillovers in the attic were just about to overflow and come down through your kitchen ceiling. So I rummaged around and found a bucket and tried to empty as much water off as I could. Saved your ceiling at least." My anger melted. |
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Listen to understand and experience the other side of an issue. |
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Tip 796: State the real reasons or effects, not just logical ones. |
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People sometimes find themselves off base in their discussion because they give a less-than-honest reason and consequence of a problem. |
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Such was the case with an acquaintance of mine, Tom, who assumed a new position as training director for a large organization. He immediately found himself embroiled in a conflict with the vice president of operations, who had asked for a time-management course for his staff. The VP kept asking Tom when he intended to contact the outside vendor used for such classes and get a commitment on the date. Tom explained that he had been hesitant to set the date because the vendor had increased prices and was now "too expensive." The VP again insisted that he'd been pleased with other classes conducted by that vendor and wanted to move ahead. Tom countered that he didn't want to spend more money in his budget than was necessary for a quality course. The VP reluctantly agreed to wait a little longer while Tom solicited bids. |
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But when the bids came in, the VP and Tom could not agree on their criteria for decision. Tom's real reason for the foot dragging finally surfaced; he felt competitive toward the earlier successful vendor and wanted to develop the class himself. When he instead cited reasons such as "increased prices," "wasted budget," and "equal quality," they found their discussions off track. In desperation, they compromised on a new outside vendor. And in the process, they created extra work for themselves and neither felt their decision was the bestall because Tom substituted a "good" reason for the real reason. Had he simply told the VP up front that he, himself, wanted to develop and teach the course, the VP may have agreed to give him a shot. In either case, they both could have saved a lot of unnecessary time with the real reason on the table. |
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Tip 797: Let the other person vent emotions before you try to come to resolution. |
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Suggestions or concessions offered when someone is yelling sound less attractive than when the person becomes quiet and rational again. People cannot resolve anything when one or both are crying, cursing, or yelling. |
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