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Give the other person time to get the emotions out. Total silence will help. Whether you're on the phone or standing face to face, keep your face neutral and be silent. Eventually, the other person will run down and say something like "Are you still there?" (if you're on the phone) or "Do you understand what I'm saying?" (if you're face to face). When they stop their tirade, you can begin the discussion again. |
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Tip 798: Own your own feelings. |
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Accusations frequently begin with "You make me feel _____." Fill in the blank with angry, inadequate, dumb, useless, ridiculous. Think about the meaning of such a line: One individual is saying the other person has control over his or her emotions. The other person will then usually counter with, "It's not my fault that you feel _____." The conversation then degenerates into whose fault it is. |
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Prefer to make statements that show you have control and choice in the matter and at least center on the problem rather than who's to blame. Example: "I feel stupid when you remind me over and over of a deadline. I'd prefer that you state the deadline once and then drop it." Only you can decide how you feel. Choose differently. Better yet: "I don't like you to remind me over and over of deadlines. Once is sufficient." |
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Tip 799: Make sure your own emotions are genuine and appropriate. |
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Some people have learned to manipulate others by crying, yelling, or cursing. When they explode, people jump. It's a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Use this opportunity to take your own emotional temperature with the following checklist: |
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How often do you "blow up"? |
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When you get upset, can you pinpoint the cause, or do you just feel irritated at the world? |
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Do you react in proportion to the problem? |
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Who receives the brunt of your emotionthe person causing the problem, a scapegoat, or the nearest person to you at the time of impact? |
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Do you let it "blow over" quickly, or do you pout or hold a grudge? |
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Do you rant privately or publicly? |
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Do you humiliate other people and generate animosity for yourself? |
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Do you think before you react, or react and then think? |
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