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have the best results if one person agrees to paraphrase what the other says to show that he or she listened. Only after the first person "signs off" that the other person has heard correctly does the second person get a turn to talk. |
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The process has these four benefits: (1) It stops arguments because the other person loses immediacyhe or she can't interrupt impulsively with a counterattack or denial. (2) The other person has to listen. (3) The plan builds in cool-off periods for emotions. (4) It helps people summarize and focus on the most important comments and issues because they can't remember the entire five-minute talk verbatim. |
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Tip 803: Discuss a problem sitting down. |
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When both people are seated, they'll be less likely to use intimidating body language. They can't "tower" over the other, invade another's space, stomp across the room flailing their arms, or make a dramatic exit. |
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Tip 804: Eliminate argumentative words and phrases. |
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Examples: "That's not true." "You're wrong." "You're confused." "You don't know what you're talking about." Commands are equally abrasive: ''Stop interrupting me." "Hold on a minute." "Leave it alone." |
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Any of these sentiments can be expressed in a more acceptable, less abrasive way: "My facts don't agree with those." "I disagree." "There's some confusion here." "There are some issues you may not be aware of." "Please let me finish what I started to say." "Let's wait a moment." "I'd rather handle this myself." Avoid "fighting" words unless you want to fight. |
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Tip 805: Do something physical to break the spell. |
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If your discussions grow too tense, stand up, walk around, shuffle through your notes, get a drink of water, or glance out the window. Just don't use the movement to rant and rave. Instead, do something to break emotional contact and give yourself and the other person time to identify better coping techniques. |
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Tip 806: Don't use silence to provoke. |
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Think of silence as a stabilizer, not a weapon. Don't use it as a provocative "action." If the other person begins to comment on your silence, it's time to speak. Lead into a meaningful discussion with something like, "I was try- |
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