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Custody Is Not Ownership. |
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Any negotiation, of course, is based on the assumption that you understand what, precisely, custody isand what it is not. In a way, it's unfortunate that we ever coined the term custody for parents who no longer live together. The term has so many negative implications: A criminal is taken into custody; a mentally ill or cocaine-ridden mother loses custody of her child because of child abuse. |
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Yet here we have two parents who have been living with their children, and, unless one parent has been abusive or is a drug or alcohol addict, both have been involved in raising the children; both have been supportive, responsible, loving, and kind. Yet because the parents' relationship broke down, in many jurisdictions one parent will probably get custody of the children unless it is decided otherwise. |
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Parents should understand that custody does not mean ownership. Children cannot be owned like a car or a house. What custody does mean is that one (or both) parents have the final say in the decision-making for major issues in child rearing (legal custody). Custody usually also determines with whom the children primarily reside (physical custody). |
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Losing Custody Does Not Mean Losing Your Children |
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When Barry and June divorced, Barry could not imagine relinquishing custody of his children. Barry's children embodied his personal hopes and dreams; he identified much of his success in life with his kids. When the judge decided that custody of the children should go to June, Barry went into a deep depression. |
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Barry needed to understand that losing custody did not mean losing his children. The custody battle was over, but Barry still had years of co-parenting ahead. |
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Custody is a legal term. But, if you are the noncustodial parent, your relationship with your children goes on, no matter what the official custody decision might be. You can continue to be involved with your children. If it's important to you, you will continue to share great times and impart the values you embrace. Whether you officially have custody does not have to change your relationship with your children. You can still be heavily involved in your children's lives. |
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Andrea, a producer of television commercials, was a career-oriented woman. Although she had three children, she decided to move from Pennsylvania to California after her divorce because she was given a unique opportunity to be a producer in Hollywood. Andrea called her kids once a week and saw them once every two months for one week. Andrea insisted on having joint decision-making after she moved to California. She claimed that if she didn't, she would feel uninvolved with her children. To prove to the |
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