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Phasing in are the key words here. As mentioned in Chapter 22, Single Parenting, your children should not be introduced to your new partner until you have made a commitment. Assuming that you have decided to remarry, it is now time to introduce your children to your prospective spouse. |
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Going to a neutral place, like the movies, a restaurant, the playground, or an amusement park, might be the best way to ease into this difficult introduction. Telling your kids this person, whom they have never met, is going to be their stepparent is moving too fast. Let your kids gradually get to know your new partner over a period of time. When it feels right, open up a discussion. Your kids may even initiate the discussion. |
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Don't expect them to welcome this new presence with open arms. All is not lost if their reaction continues to be negative for quite a while. Accepting your new partner will take time. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it will be for your kids to adjust. |
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At some point after your children have gotten to know your new partner, the time will be right to introduce his or her children to your children. You and your new partner can be the judge. |
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If you are the custodial parent and you have married someone with children whose primary residence is with their other parent, you are now the stepparent to those children, and you and your children will be welcoming those children to your home. If you are the noncustodial parent, you will be helping your children adjust to your new home, a new stepparent, and new stepbrothers and stepsisters. |
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Four Things to Remember if You Are Integrating Your Children into a New Stepfamily |
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1. Be sensitive to your children's feelings about your having a new partner. To understand how your children might feel, imagine this: One night, you had a terrible nightmare. You were back at age 12, and you visited your parents' bedroom and poked your mother. Your dad was snoring loudly beside her. When she awoke and sat up in bed, you discovered it was not your mother at all, but a woman you had never seen before. You were frightened. Who was this woman? Where was your own mother? You woke up from your dream with your heart pounding. |
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