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mood swings, sadness, feelings of loss, and anger. If you remain on this emotional roller coaster for more than a year, however, you are not progressing fast enough. It is time to seek counseling or some other form of psychological help. |
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Published research bears this timetable out. According to a study from psychologist Joan Kelly of the Center for Marital Transition near San Francisco, couples in conflict report that conflict drastically reduced after 12 months. Other research indicates that conflict and anger tend to diffuse after a period of separation, and if couples have not continued to interact, at the end of two years, most of the conflict will be gone. |
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For couples with children, who must interact with each other to co-parent even in the face of divorce, a separation goes a long way toward easing conflict. Only after time apart can these parents come back and cooperate enough to co-parent again. Psychologists advise these parents to create every opportunity for complete separation so that full emotional disengagement can take place. After a period of timegenerally about a yearsuch parents can relax the rigidity of the structure that keeps them separate. Without the hiatus provided by an enforced period of complete separation, such parents often keep the battle going, and the conflict never ends. |
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A couple without children can make this break and need never come back together again. But for parents, this is impossible. |
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If you're in this situation, you're stuck with your soon-to-be-ex spouse for better or worse. So you've got to figure out some way to manage the conflict and get over it so that you can see your ex from time to time and reestablish a businesslike relationship that works. |
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In light of all the work you and your spouse will need to do during your separation, this is a poor time to invest in a new relationship. You must give yourself the time and space to find some new personal definition and direction. Where is your life going? It's a poor time to make a new partner choice. |
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Instead, separation is a perfect time to look inward, asking yourself how you may have contributed to the relationship's end. Some people have difficulty assuming responsibility for creating negative situations for themselves and so look to blame anybody, or anything, else. You must let go of this victim's mentality if you are to avoid making the same mistakes again. |
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