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3. Make rules for your discussion. If you and your spouse are meeting alone, write out a schedule of topics to be covered and stick to it. Agree that neither of you will interrupt the other. If you're meeting with your spouse and with the lawyers (commonly called a four-way meeting), you and your attorney should plan the meeting. You should have an agenda, preferably in writing, and you should know when to talk and when not to talk. |
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Before one four-way meeting, one husband's lawyer asked him not to talk to his wife. Within three minutes of the meeting's start, the husband was shouting at his wife, and she was yelling right back. The husband's lawyer was doodling, and the wife's lawyer was trying to calm her client. Considering that the combined hourly billing rate of the two lawyers probably exceeded $500 an hour, the husband (and wife, for that matter) were spending their money at a rapid rate. |
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4. Be flexible. That doesn't mean cave in. What it does mean is be ready to compromise. Remember the example about the two girls and what college they'd go to? Suppose that you don't want to pay any of college, and your spouse wants you to pay half. What about paying one-third? What about paying half only if your income is at a certain level by the time the girls go to college? What about agreeing to pay half, but also stipulating that any loans or scholarships the girls receive offset your half? |
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As long as you stay locked into one position, it will be hard to settle your case. Be open to ideas. You may have to get some from your attorney, from your accountant, or from friends who have been divorced. |
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5. Be ready to trade. Say that you really want the gold necklace your husband bought you on your third wedding anniversary, and he really wants the engagement ring back. You want the engagement ring, too. Decide which one you want most, and, if the values are about equal, make the trade. It sounds obvious, but when emotions are running high, it may not be. |
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6. Leave heated issues for last. This is a lawyer's trick. Resolve everything you can and save the heavy issues for last. Maybe you both want custody of your child. If you start off discussing that sore point, you'll get nowhere with any other issues. If you first sort out the house, the car, the debts, you may make better progress on the last, toughest issue. After all, you've both spent so much time already, it would be a shame if you couldn't work it all out. |
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7. If necessary, have a judge help resolve the issues you can't resolve. Maybe you and your spouse have worked out everything except custody. A custody trial will still be cheaper than a trial on all the other issues, too. Don't throw in the towel on your settlement agreement just because you can't resolve everything. |
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